How to Coach the Uncoachable

Think narcissists are impossible to coach? Think again. Sure, they’re often labeled as egotistical, self-centered, and unmanageable, but here’s the twist: narcissists can be remarkably coachable—if you know how to approach them. The trick isn’t about changing their nature. It’s about working within the rules of their game to unlock their potential. Spoiler alert: don’t expect to get any credit for it.

Why Bother?

Before discussing how to coach narcissists, let’s tackle the obvious question: Why even try? Narcissists often possess an exceptional toolkit: ambition, charisma, and a relentless drive for success. These traits can make them powerful leaders or innovators, especially in high-stakes environments like startups or competitive industries.

The problem? Left unchecked, those same traits can derail a team, a culture, or even an entire organization. But when managed effectively, narcissists can channel their energy toward constructive outcomes. They want to win, and if you can align their definition of winning with the team’s success, you’ve struck gold.

The Reality of Coaching Narcissists

Coaching narcissists is not about breaking down their ego. (Good luck with that.) Instead, it’s about leveraging their ego to drive better behaviors and decisions. Here’s the thing: narcissists crave validation and thrive on being perceived as successful. If you can position your guidance as a path to more recognition, more wins, or a legacy worth bragging about, they’re far more likely to listen.

Dr. Craig Malkin, in Rethinking Narcissism, explains how narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum and can be harnessed effectively with the right approach. This idea underscores that coaching narcissists is about channeling their drive, not suppressing it.

But there’s a caveat—don’t expect a thank-you note. Narcissists will likely take full credit for any success that comes from your coaching. And that’s okay, because the goal isn’t to bask in their gratitude. It’s to steer the ship in the right direction.

The Playbook: How to Coach a Narcissist

Here are four strategies to make coaching narcissists not only possible but effective:

1. Frame Ideas as Their Own

Narcissists don’t like being told what to do. To get buy-in, you need to subtly present ideas in a way that allows them to take ownership. Use phrases like, “Building on your brilliant idea…” or “Here’s how we could amplify the strategy you suggested…” This lets them feel like the leader—which is precisely what they want.

2. Appeal to Their Self-Interest

Every piece of feedback should be tied to their personal goals. For example, instead of saying, “This behavior is hurting the team,” try, “Here’s how this change could elevate your reputation as a visionary leader.” Narcissists respond to outcomes that make them look better, so frame your coaching around their self-interest.

Robert Cialdini’s Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion offers insights into framing feedback in ways that align with self-interest and ego, making it an invaluable reference for managing narcissists.

3. Set Firm Boundaries

Narcissists will push limits if you let them. Establish clear boundaries from the outset. Be direct and consistent but tactful. For instance, “I respect your passion for excellence, but we need to ensure the team feels supported to perform at their best.” This approach acknowledges their strengths while keeping their more disruptive tendencies in check.

4. Focus on Results, Not Recognition

Don’t expect praise or acknowledgment. Instead, measure success by the outcomes you achieve together. Whether it’s improved team dynamics, a more collaborative culture, or hitting ambitious goals, let the results speak for themselves. And remember: their win is your win, even if your role in it goes uncredited.

The Bigger Picture

This isn’t about manipulation in the Machiavellian sense. It’s about reframing the narrative. Narcissists are not the villains of the leadership world; they’re high-risk, high-reward players who require a different coaching strategy. Instead of trying to “fix” them, focus on channeling their strengths and mitigating their weaknesses.

Daniel Goleman’s work on Emotional Intelligence, such as Leadership That Gets Results, highlights how understanding and managing personalities—even challenging ones—can improve the outcomes of teams and organizations.

The real skill in leadership isn’t avoiding difficult personalities—it’s learning how to work with them effectively. Narcissists may never give you the credit you deserve, but if your coaching leads to stronger teams, better decisions, and lasting success, isn’t that what truly matters?

Your Turn

What’s been your experience working with high-risk, high-reward leaders? Have you found ways to guide them successfully, or have they been impossible to manage? Let’s hear your stories in the comments—and who knows, you might inspire someone else to coach the uncoachable.